Annotated Ann Coulter (from her Dec 29th column)

Ah, once again Ann has graced us with her wisdom, and I have once again annotated it for your pleasure.



2004: Highlights And Lowlifes
December 29, 2004

The single biggest event of 2004 was the Election Day exit poll, which, like John Steinbeck's "The Short Reign of Pippin IV," made John Kerry the president for a few moments. But in a move that stunned the experts (read mathematicians), American voters chose "moral values" (Actually, only 22% of voters did so) over an America-bashing trophy husband and his blow-dried, ambulance-chasing sidekick (More recycled Jay Leno material that ceased to be funny days after first mentioned. Ann really needs to learn the art of wit. Of course, Ann has zero room to talk about Hairdryers and trophy fucks, do you Ann?)

The second biggest event in 2004 came on Sunday, Dec. 26, when The New York Times referred to an organization as a "liberal research group." (I think it may have been the Communist Party USA, Trotskyite wing, but, still, it's progress.) (Wow, the New York Times is Liberal, in one of the most liberal states in the union. Imagine that. Mostly what I love is that this ranks higher than the Tsunami, the admission that there were no WMD's in Iraq, the admission that there was no terrorist connection in Iraq, the 9/11 commission or even Janet Jackson. Ann's priorities are showing. Thrashing a liberal newspaper. nice.)

CBS eminence Dan Rather was driven off the air in disgrace after he tried to take down a sitting president by brandishing Microsoft Word documents he claimed were authentic Texas Air National Guard memos from the '70s. (This actually isn't true at all. Rather was set to retire exactly when he plans to, it was simply kept quiet outside the industry. Everyone in the news business knew about it, they just weren't bringing it up. It's also interesting to note that forged documents ended the public debate on Bush's national guard record just as the 'tainted source' of Bush's DWI arrest killed the debate in 2000. The 'Tainted Source' in 2000 got his info from Karl Rove. There's been no public investigation on the source of the 60 Minutes papers. By liberals' own account, the pompous blowhard was exposed by people sitting around their living rooms in pajamas. (Yup, bloggers. And it only strengthened the case for the internet as a source of news gathering over the networks which is bad for Right wingers. Have fun with that fact come 2008 Ann.)

John Kerry's meal ticket, Teresa Heinz, continuously made remarks that were wildly inappropriate, such as when she strangely referred to the "seven-year itch" in relation to herself and John Kerry, creating at least three images I didn't want in my head. On the other hand, for any voters who considered the most important campaign issue to be whether the first lady was an earthy, condescending foreigner who had traveled extensively and spoke several languages, Teresa was a huge asset. (Wow, xenophobia once again rears it's ugly head. Can't wait to see Ann completely whistle another tune when asked about Arnie.)

Surprisingly, Teresa never became a major campaign issue. It turned out that supporters of a phony war hero (not unlike a phony national guardsman who now deploys other national guardsman to war) who preyed on rich widows were also OK with the notion of a first lady who might use the F-word during Rose Garden press conferences (unlike Republicans who were okay with the Vice President using the same word on the Senate floor.) By the same token, anyone who was put off by the not-so-affable Eva Peron of American politics (fucking racist) already didn't like John Kerry -- thanks largely to John O'Neal and the Swiftboat Veterans (who kept the focus on Vietnam and not Iraq).

Like the archers of Agincourt, John O'Neal and the 254 Swiftboat Veterans took down their own haughty Frenchman. (Yup, she's right here. The Swifties killed Kerry. Although While Ann Loves this 527 group, she vehemently opposed all the liberal ones and called for their termination)

Meanwhile, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom is nipping at O'Neal's heels as the man second-most responsible for Bush's re-election. Thanks largely to Newsom's hard work, gay marriage was big news all year. (Again, I have to give it to Ann, she's right on this point. Twice in one article, amazing. Gavin took the bait, hook, line and sinker, and succeeded in allowing 11 more states to outlaw Gay marriage. Way to go.)

In retrospect, the Democrats would have been better off if they had found every gay guy in America who actually wanted to get married and offered each one a million dollars in exchange for the Democrats not having to talk about gay marriage. (Finally -- a problem that could have been solved by throwing money at it!)(Except for Iraq, right. Because you seem to have no trouble throwing money at it. Oh and Terrorism, you like throwing money at that.)

On the basis solely of media coverage, Abu Ghraib was the biggest story of 2004, maybe the biggest story ever (What? Otherwise it isn't a story?). And for good reason: An American soldier was caught on film not only humiliating Iraqi prisoners -- but smoking! (Now here's the Ann we all know and loathe, clearly glossing over something major and damaging to her party with a tasteless joke that doesn't even smack of being funny - to anyone. For the interest of truth the phrase 'but smoking' should be replaced with 'but beating them to death and performing on them sodomy and perversion most foul.' But Ann would rather you forget that unpleasantness. Watch as she belittles it more.)

The New York Times even had to drop its coverage of Augusta National Golf Course to give Abu Ghraib due prominence. (Because the New York Times only covers golf? No, she's trying to say Abu Ghraib was a story only because there was nothing else to talk about, which of course is utter horseshit.) Only the Rumsfeld autopen scandal was big enough to knock Abu Ghraib off the front page. (Ann's been sniffing too much hairspray and cooking herself with her own blowdryer. There's at least a six month gap in that timeline and the two stories have only one correlation - they're both Rumsfeld fuckups.)

I personally haven't been so singularly disturbed by an atrocity since I had to sit through all of "The Matrix: Reloaded." (Wow Abu Ghraib is as bothersome and pesky as a bad movie. Now there's the compassionate conservative we all love.)

By contrast, the least important story -- again, judging by media coverage -- was the peculiar development of a Clintonite caught trying to get into his own pants. Sandy Berger was spotted by National Archives staff repeatedly stuffing top-secret documents into his undergarments in preparation for defending the Clinton administration's record on fighting terrorism before the 9/11 Commission. If you happened to take a long nap the day the Berger story broke, you would have missed it entirely. (Yeah, that story came and went, and it was worth investigating...kind of like those documents Cheney didn't steal but fought in the supreme court to keep sealed. Of course, here Ann is trying to once again use a strawman fallacy to claim that Abu Ghraib was a story only because the media is liberal and Clinton is scum so therefor Abu Ghraib is okay.)

On the bright side, The New York Times has adopted an all-new standard for covering the extramarital affairs of public figures. With no fanfare, the Times quickly abandoned its earlier position that a U.S. president molesting White House staff -- including while on the phone discussing sending troops into battle -- is not news (it was, but Ann loves hating the times. Me thinks it's because they won't run her shite columns.) The new rule rolled out for Bernie Kerik makes extramarital affairs major front-page news deserving of nonstop coverage, even after the public figure has withdrawn his name from consideration for any government office.

American hero Pat Tillman won a Silver Star this year. But unlike Kerry, he did not write his own recommendation or live to throw his medals over the White House fence in an anti-war rally. (No, instead he was a public figure killed in action. That's how he got his.)

Tillman was an American original: virtuous, pure and masculine like only an American male can be. (I have nothing bad to say about Mr. Tillman. The man was a patriot. I may have completely disagreed with his politics, but anyone willing to put their ass on the line for what they believe in gets my respect if not my approval. If Tillman had survived, however, and come back to talk about the rampant abuse of Afghani's at the hands of American soldiers, Ann would be singing a different tune. One about false war heroes who didn't earn their silver stars.) The stunningly handsome athlete walked away from a three-year, $3.6 million NFL contract with the Arizona Cardinals to join the U.S. military and fight in Afghanistan, where he was killed in April (by his own squad.)

He wanted no publicity and granted no interviews about his decision to leave pro football in the prime of his career and join the Army Rangers. (Most perplexing to Democrats, he didn't even take a home movie camera to a war zone in order to create fake footage for future political campaigns in which he would constantly palaver about his military service and drag around his "Band of Brothers" for the media.)(Most perplexing to Republicans is that they can't find a single scrap of paper that proves Bush even showed up for his National Guard duty...despite the fact they constantly tried to drag around papers that could lead one to believe that he might have)

Tillman gave only an indirect explanation for his decision on the day after 9/11, when he said: "My great grandfather was at Pearl Harbor, and a lot of my family has gone and fought in wars, and I really haven't done a damn thing as far as laying myself on the line like that." He said he wanted to "pay something back" to America.

He died bringing freedom and democracy to 28 million Afghans (not to mention a nice big thank you pipeline from Karzai) -- pretty much confirming Michael Moore's view of America as an imperialist cowboy predator. There is not another country in the world -- certainly not in continental Europe -- that could have produced a Pat Tillman (Yeah, go on believing that. Forget about the French Underground, The RAF, and the untold millions of foreign heroes that gave their life for their own freedom. Pat Tillman is a footnote, one of over well over a thousand who have given their lives since 9/11, one you would love to continue to exploit. Please, use his name once more to exploit his death for your cause. Go on, I dare you.

On the anniversary of D-Day, as Americans like Pat Tillman risked their lives to liberate 50 million Iraqis and Afghans, in a year when Americans poured into theaters to see a movie about Christ (While I am personally a fan of passion of the Christ, almost twice as many people poured into theatres to watch a movie about midgets, dwarves and elves. So when does Bush plan to invade Mordor? More people also paid to see a wall crawling super hero, a 13 year old wizard and a wise cracking scottish ogre with a talking mule. Your point?) and reaffirmed their support for moral values at the polling booth (Wow...22%, what a mandate), America's greatest president died. Ronald Reagan appealed to what is best about America and so transformed the nation that we are now safe to carry on without him (Because we finally arrested the Dictator he put into power, although we are still afraid of all those chemical weapons he sold to Iran...but we'll get those next year. Oh yeah and the Contra death squads, they went away on their own. Oh and Norriega, yeah, Bush Sr. got rid of him. And Star Wars was a hoax that cost Billions, but with the dollar collapsing, inflation is on the horizon, so those Billions that we never paid off will be worth so much less soon. Oh, and lets not forget that he collapsed the USSR so quickly that they lost control of their nuclear arsenal and they let small pox start floating around. Oh yeah, and he paid to train Osama Bin Laden, but he's been hiding out for awhile. So yeah, the worlds safe now that he's gone. Really safe. We've almost cleaned up all the damage. Best president my ass. He was good, but everything we consider threats now, he created. Put that in your crazy pipe and smoke it Ann.)

Cargill Out